A Happy 40th to me!

I’m officially old! I turned 40 on July 3rd! Truth be told, I have been so excited since 2-3 years, because I had read somewhere that once you turn 40, like clockwork, you don’t give a f#ck what others think about you! That we suddenly reach the level of maturity where you have no time for nonsense, instead you want meaningful conversations, set boundaries, burn bridges as needed and finally have a set goal, know what’s the purpose of your life!

I had planned that by 40, I’ll be a world renowned author, completely recovered from my stroke of 2017, start singing and dancing again, be at the right body weight, healthy and sane. But life had different plans.. I suffered multiple TIAs last year, which resulted in pushing all my 8 years of recovery back to where I had started. I lost my body balance again, I lost my singing voice again, I had vision changes again, hormonal imbalance again which brought me back to the weight I had as a residual of my stroke I was sure I could manage it, but then my new medications added few more pounds and so I became 24 lbs.

than my ideal weight. My migraines got worse and after a debilitating 12 days long migraine, I took Botox injections which gave me a left eyelid droop as a side effect. I started hating to look at my mirror again! Now I couldn’t see a proud survivor who took back her life fighting with all her might! Now I saw a feeble tired soul who didn’t look or feel like she was supposed to. Very few know that few months ago, I had slipped into severe depression and anxiety which led me to the psych ward in the end.

And then as I was nearing my 40th birthday, I told my husband I don’t feel like celebrating. But a few days before my birthday itself my family and friends started celebrating me, pampering me, making me feel loved! I cut 5 different cakes this year! My family, my close friends like family, my girl tribe, my best friends, everyone made me feel so special reminding me that I have a purpose to live because my loved ones’ lives depended on me being present in the moment. Reminding me that I’m alive until I’m breathing! I also realized something, you know how as school girls most of us wanted to be part of the popular boys gang desperately trying to look cool, but after you’re 30, it’s only your girl friends who even give a shit about you. Besides my family, it’s only my dear brothers I have made along the way, the  only men who even wished me a Happy Birthday! None and I mean absolutely no male friend of mine bothered to even text me!

And honestly, my heart is so full with all the love I’ve been showered, with people who matter to me and those I matter to, I actually have zero f#cks to give about any of the ones who are not in my life or I in theirs; which made my prediction about the clockwork in my body come true! The only goal I met is embracing my greys once I turn 40! And that’s okay because I now know for a fact that life doesn’t go as planned by you but the other way round! 

The universe has some things in store for you and you cannot leave until you find it! This is probably God’s way to bring you closer to what’s actually meant for you! I don’t know if I’ll ever become an author in future because I’m slowly forgetting my words and spellings, but I know I’ll always be my lil boy’s Amma, my husband’s loving wife, my mamma’s daughter, a doting sister to the umpteen brothers of mine, a silly friend to all my girl friends and my own me! I have a few more birthday cakes to cut, but I promise those will be the last ones for this year! Happy 40th to me! 🙂