Happy Thanksgiving

I used to have one of the broadest smiles ever.. Grinning all the way from one side to the other.

I can hardly smile now. My previous stroke gifted me a left sided facial droop and this one gifted me a right one. And so I have become so conscious while smiling because it isn’t symmetrical anymore.

As adults it’s really difficult to always have positive thoughts. Each of us in the family thinks differently. My husband is constantly worried when I might fall and he has to jump into action! So his body is in a fight or flight mode and despite no medical backing, his smile has diminished too. I am living thinking if I die tomorrow I will die with a smile knowing I had a good time with my family and friends today. My son believes tomorrow is always going to be better and so while wishing me a good night, he also says “wake up in a happy and positive mood tomorrow!” I guess it’s his way of positively affirming that Amma will be with him tomorrow.

I have unwillingly spread this fear amongst my friends too. They keep reminding me to take my medicines and sleep intermittently to make sure I don’t miss the fun in my waking hours.

This Thanksgiving, although recovering from my stroke, we decided to celebrate with all my friends. We just had to get out of the house! 

I have 2 sets of friends; one Boston family and one NJ family and this year I was able to celebrate with both sets. With one we had a great Thanksgiving meal and talked and laughed heartily. While with the other, the highlight was watching a troll movie and laughing hysterically. Our forever favorite was watching the Malayalam movie “Praja”, but this year we found a new one and that’s <drumroll please> “Param Sundari”!

With both the families, I distributed one dizzy spell each. Scaring everyone is my specialty and I do a very good job at that! After the holidays, on our drive back I had a bigger scare with my face tingling again and fingers having tremors again. My husband decided to drive straight to an ER, but I, in true “Manichitratazhu’s Innocent moment” told him I needed to poop, we were just 15 miles away from home and so I told him to go home first! Our sanity remains in our ability to laugh at all of this  later! I have this special moment with Aadi every night, where I close his eyes and say. “Bad memories out.. good memories in!”

My mother scolded me a lot before leaving and after coming back too, and I explained to her that I have a husband and child, the way she fears for me, I fear for them too. Their mental health is more important to me than my own! I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Whether going out and having fun with family and friends and then scaring them mid-way is better or staying home and resting well and not scaring them at the cost of having no fun!

I don’t know and guess I never will. 

I’ve read in a book that when a little boy asks if the journey or the destination is more important, the fox tells him, it’s the company... 

I believe that there is a rare, aching beauty in every unfinished story—in the fear of all we cannot yet see, and in the quiet, steadfast certainty that waits, smiling, just beyond it. Hoping with our every being that something gentle and beautiful is being written for us somewhere..

I celebrated Thanksgiving with all my friends while having my family beside me and that is exactly what I’m thankful for.. This moment that’s mine alone to treasure.

When Aadi was little, we took him to a staycation with our friends, while he was on oxygen support. And I’m pretty sure we’ll do the same if God forbid I land up in that situation too.. swaying a little to the music and dance in the little way I can, laughing a little, singing with my broken voice and fighting over points in “Anthakshari”, Trolling movies for their stupidity and having a good meal prepared by friends..

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving too!