For the longest time, I have put off writing my autobiography because whenever I sat down to write it, I didn’t know where to begin. I have so many landmark events in these 37 years of my life that I couldn’t sort on which one should I begin with. There’s nothing special about my birth and the years leading up to my marriage. I was just a regular (but weird) girl living an absolutely mundane, normal life.
And now I finally got the beginning of my book. My “second stroke of luck” is quite literally my beginning.
2 weeks ago, I was hospitalized again. This was a vasoconstriction episode (like my previous stroke) but timely medical intervention saved me from it becoming another devastating episode.
The difference this time was that I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t have time to grieve and sulk. When I was alone in the hospital most nights, I messaged a few friends of mine who I’m really close to and I happened to share with them a lot of deep thoughts, probably from being high on narcotics!
A common thread in most of the conversations was where I brought up that when God has given me a child like Aadi and I have never given up on him and made it my responsibility to raise him to be an independent individual, then why does He/She keep giving me these death scares. I’m not scared of dying young (40 is the new 20!), but I’m scared of leaving Aadi hanging! I haven’t prepared him completely yet! He will be lost without me!
And I got very interesting viewpoints. One friend told me what if God is actually preparing Aadi for the D day when I will be gone forever. Maybe these small death scares are preparing his mind that Amma won’t be around forever. Because no matter how much I fight to live, If God’s will is that I rest, then that will happen. At the end of the day, I'm a mere mortal!
Another friend said, you know God is sometimes like a baby! He/She craves for your attention and every time you sway from His/Her path, you get a shock like these events to bring you back to the right path.
Another friend said, “God” is just a thought. He/She doesn’t have the power to make or break your life. God is just a concept we humans made up to blame on, complain to, share our joys and sorrows because we know it can’t judge us.
I don’t know which one of these ideas of God is true. What I do know is, there is no point fighting and holding on to dear life. It was never yours in the first place! (Do I sound like the Malayalam actress Lena here? Blame the drugs!)
My life is not meant to be “just another girl next door” kinda life. And with utmost struggle, I’ve come to terms with this concept.
I have 2 choices, 1. Fight until death
2. Accept defeat and play victim
And you know what? I’m taking neither. I’m just simply going to live now. I’m tired of fighting for survival.
I write to cope with my problems. I’m so glad that so many of you actually take the time to read my posts and it is because of many of you who connected me to neurosurgeons and other doctors, after reading my last post, that I’m even alive to write this post.
I appreciate all the help, concern and love.
So I’m still here and you’ll keep reading about me, coz’ main apni favorite hoon!