Yesterday we met an amazing family. The wife had last seen me just a few months after my stroke. Yesterday when she saw me, she said “you look like a totally different person!” and later she texted me, “now I believe in miracles more” I couldn’t stop my tears when I read that.
For the past few weeks, my pain has peaked. I was physically hurting so much that I mentally started falling apart. For the first time in my life I actually made a google doc of the pros and cons of my family surviving without me.
I’m clinically diagnosed with depression, so suicidal thoughts are a given. But I’ve always been able to talk myself out of it with an important tool one of my therapists taught me. Saying aloud repeatedly that one thing that persuades me to live rather than die. For me it’s my son. Repeating his name aloud snaps me out of the suicidal bout. These past few weeks were even worse than before. I purposely met friends and hosted parties at my place, so that I could feel some happiness or something at all. I felt numb. After crying my heart out to my mother one day, I woke up the next day and decided I’m not going to give up. I gave myself a new challenge. After my stroke, I haven’t been able to hold my weight on one foot at a time. I always need to stand on two legs and if I’m turning, I need to hold onto something for balance. Now people who know me well know that I was a dancer before my stroke. I was trained in Indian classical and taught myself contemporary, pivots and pointe. So I took up the challenge to get back to pivots and pointe and I also wanted to throw in something new, so I chose shuffling.
I have just started this week and then as a sign from the universe I met this family yesterday who remind me about believing in miracles.
Her text was a subtle reminder that I was just like her when I dealt with my son’s health issues. I believed in miracles when the doctor’s diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy, I believed in miracles when they said there is a possibility that he wouldn’t talk. I believed in miracles when they said he probably will never walk. Today he is a young man who walks with a crutch and aspires to be a singer.
I never thought once of giving up then, so how can I do it now? Isn’t it actually selfish to think that both my family and I would be better off without me on this Earth!
So, no, I’m not going anywhere. Will be around to annoy you with my writing and amaze myself with my little victories.
Here’s a quote I found when I hit my lowest: “The pain in this life has always made me wish to be dead. But there's no guarantee that I won't carry this pain to the next.”
But I’d like to change it today: “The pain in this life has always made me wish to be dead. But every single time the universe gives me signs that there’s more happiness in store than I’ve already seen!”